Am I doing this right?


To get the blog ball rolling, I’m just going to repost something from last June that I uploaded to a little underground google group of the same name. This is all new territory to me, but I’ve always felt that the general public needed to be more aware of my daily musings and groundbreaking insights.

Revelations in Traffic [Now with bonus revelation and updates!]

1. A cool haircut is 90% the product of a cool face. The same goes for fashion trends. If enough attractive people start doing the same thing where the masses begin to notice, the fad will catch on regardless of the validity of the thing itself. Eventually enough unattractive people adopt the same trend until it becomes glaringly obvious how stupid it looks. So here’s to the final few months of retro neon 80s sunglasses, folks.

2. If you got rid of the tamale husk and reduced the Chicago deep dish style to a more foldable and less overpowerinig thin crust pizza in the taco town taco joke from SNL, you’d have a pretty amazing meal. If I remember, there was: a soft taco, crunchy taco, gordita, pizza, tamale, pancake, crepe, all adhered to each other with cheese, guacamole, refried beans, marinara sauce, and chili. All of those ingredients are thin enough to actually produce a viable wrap. Let’s make that wrap.

[Editor’s note: Done did. see it here: ]

3. A girl who’s 96% angel is pretty impressive, but it appears that, on average, the other 4% is a mixture of Dairy Queen and pancake makeup.

4. The Middle Ages is widely regarded as the low point for production in the Western world. Everyone was recovering from the fall of the Roman Empire, and no real inventions or contributions to European society would develop until the Renaissance. But those clever little bastards did come up with the modern day sandwich, and that has to be one of the most impactful inventions in my life. Cultures have been wrapping food for centuries, but the thick sliced bread with thin slices of meat and vegetables is still king in my book. Good job, you disgusting peasants.

5. The one clear pro to taking Ambien is getting a good night sleep. The list of cons are staggeringly terrible: sleep walking, memory loss, a more outgoing and aggressive demeanor, hallucinations, shortness of breath, swelling of the tongue to the point where you could die, and depression to the point where you’re more likely to kill yourself. What’s the ROI on this pill? My boss would not approve this prescription.


7. I would attribute at least 60% of the success of the tech industry in Silicon Valley to the abnormally low numbers of attractive women in the workplace. It’s astonishing how many productive hours engineers will waste talking about “the hot auditor who came in that one day.” I presume it works both ways where a high concentration of women isolated from good looking guys would out produce a more mixed bag of people, but I have never ever been in such a situation.

8. I would put a large amount of money on the Vegas prop bet that my cause of death will be a car accident while texting someone my dinner plans.

9. Calvin hates toilets.

10. French toast has got to be on the top of the list when you consider the Satisfaction to Effort Index. I still remember when my mom told me how to make it. It made me question all of the supposed wonders that came from her kitchen. Please share with me  something that has a higher ratio of deliciousness to time and money spent.

11. You can easily wear the same pair of pants to work or school every day of the week without anyone noticing. I’m talking blue jeans or khakis or any other common pair of pants that a man would wear. As a dude with a very limited wardrobe, this is a comforting fact. The reverse is not true, however. I worked with a real life Rainman who I always thought wore the same clothes to work everyday. Not true, I found out, after talking loudly about it and discussing with others. He actually had a pretty extensive collection of pants that he alternated. But he wore the same tan members only jacket on top. You gotta switch up the torso, guys.

Most of those were collected on one long terrible commute to work.

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