Gather ’round while I tell a tale of great men…

It’s Man of the Year award season again, and while the also-ran’s are busy preparing for the conclave to determine the 2010 winner, it’s time for the rest of us to look ahead to the potential events for 2011. Man of the Year. MOY. These phrases combined comprise 30% of my daily vocabulary. For the unenlightened, check out some bold words from the co-founders, inaugural year Viceroy, and perpetually disappointed-in-the-rest-of-the-field MOY 2008 champion:

The short of it is, we have right here in the SF Bay Area a year long competition amongst the upper tank of manly men to prove who had the best year. The core of this competition being the individual events. We’ve had some hits like the paintball gun duel and the human corn maze, but in an effort to avoid flops I’m asking you readers to vote on your favorite. I submit mostly my own ideas or overheard gems because the 2011 kick-off banquet and gathering has yet to be held, so prepare for some updates in the near future.

1. The Bluetooth Mile

This will be the 3rd consecutive year of submission, but I feel the tide is turning on what promises to be a marquee event. Each competitor will run a mile on the track blindfolded. Their only means of navigation (apart from the “useless” senses) will be a hand-picked counterpart overlooking the run and speaking instructions through a hands free device. To me, this exercise perfectly captures two essential pillars of manhood: athleticism and courage. It takes a well tuned athlete to beat out the collection of MOY candidates on an even playing field, and it takes even more bravery to dash into the darkness to do so. Also, the subsequent videos of our runs will be good TV.

2. Adult Spelling Bee

“SepArate” “embarRass” “Philippines” Everyone’s got his or her word enemies, and we aim to draw them all out in a public venue to properly ridicule the semi-literate where they can’t hide behind spellcheck or small touchscreen excuses. I hate schwas and unnecessarily repetitive consonants as much as the next guy, but it is a man’s duty to blindly master something that the majority of society has told them is correct. As a completely contradictory sidenote, I think the main purpose of communication is to transfer an idea to another using the most appropriate channel. And if you can do this in the least amount of characters, well then you’ve just increased the efficiency of that effort. “idk my bff jill” is as standardized a language to the kids out there as proper English is to the previous generations.

3. Fantasy Foodbowl

This is probably an offensive endeavor, but at the heart of it I think it remains harmless fun with the added bonus of helping out some kids. Tell me differently in the comments. The idea here is to combine two of man’s favorite pasttimes: fantasy sports and charitable donations. As a group MOY 2011 will give up that daily cup of coffee and instead send the money to the Child Fund or similar institution. We’ll sponsor one kid per competitor. After the initial letters and pictures arrive, we’ll individually draft who we think will improve the most. Not in any tear-jerking ways, but let’s just see who gets taller, heavier, does the best in school, that kind of thing. Not sure what the stat categories will be yet, but the central idea is in place.

4. NFL Combine

Suggested by a lady friend and so blatantly obvious as a quintessential manly event, both myself and my fellow MOYer at the time were completely speechless. Who can jump the highest, run the fastest, lift the most, and Wunderlick the best. There’ll be whistles and stopwatches and shit talking. This right here is a shoe-in for 2011 so only vote for this if you lack even an ounce of rebellious juice in your body. After all, it was a girl’s idea.

2 thoughts on “Gather ’round while I tell a tale of great men…”

  1. Foodbowl is fucked up, and I tend to think you’re pushing it based in large part because of the clever title. But I think you should go for it regardless, because real men aren’t afraid of being politically incorrect.

  2. Fantasy Foodbowl is not fucked up. Bottom line is that you’d be helping underprivileged kids, although it might seem weird asking for heights and weights. Still, I voted for the Bluetooth Mile.

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