PANEL 1: TETSOOOOOOOOO! No wait, wrong comic, but you feel me right? Totally Akira look happening here. We see a family running through the devastation, pretty horrific sight.
PANEL 2: Things get even worse in this panel as we see people getting completely vaporized! The narrator is pretty sure he and his family are going to die. Man, this comic is brutal, I’m kinda digging it.
PANEL 3: The father tells his daughter to just keep her eyes closed, as they wait to be blasted into oblivion. Fuck man, who is writing this bleak comic? The tone here is so totally different than the previous 5 issues. I am caring more for David and his family than I cared for ANY of the other heroes or characters in the other issues of this series.
PANEL 4: Hey look! Darkseid is skating by on roller blades!
PANEL 5: Not sure I like this “splatter” technique that Jim Lee is using to make the characters look “dirty.” It feels misplaced here with his style of art. Maybe if Bill Sienkiewicz was drawing this comic it would feel right.
PANEL 6: David, what a crybaby.
PANEL 7: Looks like Darkseid is crying too, only tears of red omega beams!
PANEL 8: Here we have a “Frank Miller” close-up of an eyeball panel.
PAGES TWO and THREE
SPLASH PAGE NUMBER 1!
Somebody fucking kill Green Lantern! “Made You Look”? “We Got This”? Please, enough. I’m not sure what that construct is that GL is creating to attack Darkseid here. Maybe a power saw or something? Anyway, looks shitty.
Wonder Woman on the other hand looks pretty cool here lassoing ol’ Darky like a cow. Know what I mean? Ever watch those rodeos where they let a small little cow out of the gate and some dude on a horse chases after it and ropes it and then jumps off his horse and ties up the cows feet and shit? Yeah, kinda like that.
Cyborg is a victim of Jim Lee’s OVER accessorizing. There is just WAY too much happening with Cyborg’s design. And the major problem is, when you add that much shit to a character’s design (inseams, wires, flaps, grooves, cables, dingleberries) you have to draw all that shit every time, because when you don’t the reader will notice the half-ass job, and call you on it. You hear me Jim Lee? Stop it!
Aquaman is diving right in there (get it, I said “diving” as in diving into a pool, as in jumping off a diving a board. I’m so clever). Looks like Darkseid bleeds “Kirby Dots”.
And what the fuck is The Flash doing? Mopping up?
PANEL 1: Yeah Darkseid, even though you got a goddamn rope tied around your neck, choking you to death, FUCKING SPEAK! And Flash, MOP THAT SHIT UP BRO!
PANEL 2: “For her”? “For who”? “For what”? “For when”? “For how”?
PANEL 3: Holy fuck, whats wrong with Wonder Woman’s face in this panel? Ugly.
PANEL 4: What the hell is this mess of a panel? Did Darkseid ‘splode something?
PANEL 5: Flash sure is a clean freak.
PANEL 6: Uh, Cyborgs face looks a little squashed here. Guess that’s what happens when you can see through Boom Tubes and witness the horror that is Apokolips.
PANEL 1: So is Batman still Batman when he doesn’t have his cowl on? Or is he just Bruce Wayne? At any rate, Bat Bruce is hanging out in Apokolips eavesdropping on Desaad and Steppenwolf. What a great detective! Oh, and please Jim Lee, for the love of god, stop it with LINES ON THE SUITS! WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE SO MANY LINES!
PANEL 2: Poor Bat Bruce, even on Apokolips he can’t avoid hanging out in sewers.
PANEL 3: The Daughter of Darkseid? Ohhhh, that’s what Darkseid meant when he said “For her.”
PANEL 4: Remember that song by Steppenwolf? “Magic Carpet Ride”? How did that go again? Let’s take a listen… hit that YouTube play button!
SPLASH PAGE NUMERO DOS
So much for that Jim Lee Superman armor. (I’m also gonna take this opportunity to say I really hate how Superman’s cape grows out of his clavicles.)
PANEL 1: Boy, you said it Wonder Woman. I am getting bored.
PANEL 2: Darkseid may have bad skin but he sure takes care of his teeth. So sparkling white!
PANEL 3: Darkseid’s all, “Check this out, I can shoot you with my eye beams without even looking at you! That’s how bad ass I am!
PANEL 4: And here we see that even though Wonder Woman can take on Darkseid and deflect his Omega Sanction Beams, she cannot stop falling victim to ROB LIEFELD FEET!!!!!!
EL SPLASH PAGIO TRE
Darkseid should have listened to his mother, “No Darky, you cannot have an Amazonian Princess for Christmas. She’ll put your eye out.” HA!
PANEL 1: Good thing Jim Lee put those jumplines on this panel, otherwise I would have never guessed that Wonder Woman “jumped” off of Darkseid and landed on the pile of wreckage there. Speaking of lines, here comes The Flash and his speedlines. Looks like he and Aquaman are doing the Tango – “right foot, left left, right, left”
PANEL 2: Darksied’s Note To Self – MUST GET HELMET WITH EYE SHIELD.
PANEL 3: Let’s just send him home. Fucking brilliant plan.
PANEL 4: You know, for being The Cyborg for all of about 23 minutes, he sure knows how to do a lot of “cyborgy” type shit. Wasn’t this dude like 2 comic books ago a high school kid with Dad issues? Now he looks 35 and can talk to Alien Computers!
PANEL 5: Fuck Green Lantern.
PANEL 1: What IS Cyborg doing? Pinging the hell out of the Paradaemons? Opening a Boom Tube? How is this happening? How can Cyborg do this? I understand he got all fucked up and burned when the Paradaemons came through the Boom Tube at his father’s laboratory, and this somehow infused him, or bonded him with the world of Apokolips and Mother Boxes and shit, but really, this is just lazy writing.
PANEL 2: “We like the cars, the cars that go BOOM!” kick it!
PANEL 3: “Damn Mother Box, never fails, always pinging when I’m torturing someone!”
PANEL 4: There’s Bat Bruce, again, in the same place we last saw him. Not doing jack shit to help Superman.
PANEL 5: More booming. More boring.
PANEL 1: A special thank you to Mike Mignola for drawing this panel.
PANEL 2: Holy shit! I had no idea Superman and Batman were twin brothers!
PANELS 3, 4, and 5:
“You will fall” “We need you” “I am Darkseid” “We need Superman”
Fucking Justice League Haiku by Geoff Johns. (Honestly, this is some of the worst writing I’ve seen from Johns.)
PAGES TWELVE and THIRTEEN
This is it kiddies! After six issues of build up and anticipation, Superman pushes Darkseid back into his Boom Tube! YAY SUPERMAN! YOU SAVED THE DAY!
PANEL 1: Gotta love it when the penciler forgets to draw Green Lantern’s ring and it’s up to the colorist to put it in.
PANEL 2: Maybe if Darkseid just asked nicely for Superman to help find his daughter. Would have saved us a lot of splash pages.
PANEL 3: More punching. Jesus Christ.
PANEL 5: “I c-cant…. Close my mouth.”
PANEL 6: I bet Bruce Wayne does this shit all the time (you know, for dramatic effect – Bruce Wayne and Lucius Fox talking in his office. Lucius says, “But Bruce, I just can’t divert the funds from accounting to R and D….” Bruce says, “You have to.” While putting on his Batman mask. Or, Bruce Wayne is at Starbucks. The cashier at Starbucks says, “I’m sorry sir, but our microwave is out, we can’t heat up that cinnamon roll for you.” Bruce says, “You have to.” While putting on his mask. Prostitute, “Listen, I’m not gonna suck your dick without a condom, I don’t care who you are.” Bruce, “You have to.” While putting on his mask, and taking off his condom. Ghostmann, “I can’t stop doing “You have to” jokes on this Justice League #6 review.” Bruce, “You have to.” While putting on his mask.
I got nothing
SPLASH PAGE NUMBER, OH FUCK IT I LOST TRACK
Never, and I mean NEVER, give Cyborg bean burritos for lunch. Dear God, BOOM indeed.
PANEL 1: Is this comic over yet?
PANEL 2: “Boom Boom Boom let’s go back to my room!”
PANEL 3: Really Geoff, “I will Return?” Pathetic
PANEL 4: Give me a “B”! Give me an “O”! Give me another “O”! Give me an “M”! What does that spell? “BULLSHIT!”
Hey Jim Lee, you forgot to draw some shit on this page.
PANEL 1: Wonder Woman aka Captain Obvious.
PANEL 2: I don’t know about you but I like my Mother Boxes grilled, not fried. It’s healthier.
PANEL 3: Aquaman, 1976 called and wants its sideburns back.
PANEL 4: “The circle of Liiiiiiiife!”
PANEL 5: This is most Flash has said the whole series.
PANEL 6: YAY for the world’s greatest Super-Humans! Put your hands in the air and wave’em like you just don’t care!
PANEL 7: Quick, everyone line up in perfect order for our picture!
PANEL 8: Hey it’s David and his family from the beginning of the comic. Good to see he survived Darkseid’s attack, and took time to clean up a little.
PAGES TWENTY and TWENTY ONE
PANEL 1: Let’s put every little detail on the White House from the pillars and window panes, to the cracks on the stairs, but the people, ahh fuck it, a circle for their faces and colored square for their bodies is fine.
PANEL 2: Which President is that?
PANEL 3: Johns just can’t resist a good Aquaman joke can he?
PANEL 4: Flash is right, Cyborg is THE ONLY ONE that deserves to be up there. Dude saved the day, the rest of them just poked Darkseid’s eyeballs and gut-punched him.
PANEL 5: Cyborg’s dad is all, “Now that you are famous, I’ll make all your games son.” Dick.
PANEL 6: Seriously Green Lantern, shut the fuck up. I hate this Green Lantern. I hate everything that comes out of his mouth. I’ll give Geoff Johns credit for making me feel at least ONE strong emotion while reading this comic.
PANEL 7: Super-Friends. As Wonder Woman once said while stabbing an alien invader in the eyeball, “HA!”
PANEL 8, 9, and 10: Why are they having this conversation on the podium while The President and the world are thanking them for saving their lives? Just shut the hell up about being friends and being a team and just be grateful to them and humble. I can’t stand these super-heroes. What a bunch of whiny little babies.
PAGE TWENTY TWO
PANEL 1: What the fuck does it look like I’m doing?
PANEL 2: Green Lantern, you really think Darkseid isn’t gonna try and come back again? You didn’t kill him. You just pushed him back into his Boom Tube. I’d say the chances of something like this happening again are pretty fucking good. Dumb shit.
PANEL 3: Hold on, let me cover just one of these 4 gigantic microphones so no one can hear me talk to you. Ok, now I know which President this is. Bush all the way.
PANEL 4: We need the worlds greatest super-heroes, as opposed to those crappy ones. What the fuck man? As far as we know these are the ONLY super-heroes you have ever seen, but already they are The Greatest.
PANEL 5: Kill me now.
PANEL 6: The Flash should have said, “Fuck you Mr. “WE GOT THIS!”
PAGE TWENTY THREE
PAGE TWENTY FOUR
PANEL 1: Yep, must be London.
PANEL 2: Jack the Ripper? Why does that dude’s shadow look like a devil? Hmmm
PANEL 3: Same verse, same as the first.
PANEL 4: Hope they kicked Green Lantern out to bring in Green Arrow.
PANEL 5: This guy has glowing blue eyes! Wonder if he is an alien!
PANEL 6: Hey Ra’s Al Ghul, you shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you.
PANEL 7: Oooooooo